i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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