She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
