The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
