Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
