I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
