The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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