how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
