Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
