I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
