wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
All the doctor said was why
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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