I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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