I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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