I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
