did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
