Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
