had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
