I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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