The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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