I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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