just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
