Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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