I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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