i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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