I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
