Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
