Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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