I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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