I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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