i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
