Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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