i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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