do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
