I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
