I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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