I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
