I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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