Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
