I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
