i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
