a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
