You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
