just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
