Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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