by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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