we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
