So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
