eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
