Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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