Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You are the jesus of drinking
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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