I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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