the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
