Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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