I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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