im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
