Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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