I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I didn't notice because vodka
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
