dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
