my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
