found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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