On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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