i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
