if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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