Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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