the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
