Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
