All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
