I think I am morally bankrupt
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
