there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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