Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
